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Mobile/PDA | Print Edition | Text Version VOLUME 39 ISSUE 02 Front Page News 22 JANUARY 2003 Search

ARECIBO, PR-Paulo Freire, 32, a Portuguese radio astronomer working at the Arecibo Observatory, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday. "I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said George W. Bush, the President of the United States, who recovered from drug abuse and alcoholism by Divine intervention. "To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that Christ died for our sins-that's such a sad, cynical way to live. I don't know how he gets through his day." Neighbour Walter Mercado, a trans-sexual Puerto-Rican psychic and tarot-card reader, similarly extended his compassion for Freire. "Paulo is a really great guy," Mercado said. "It's just too bad he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the

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he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence." Also feeling pity for Freire is channeler Nancy Lieder, who is in mental contact with the aliens from the planet orbiting Zeta Reticuli and routinely predicts the end of the World throught the agency of a tenth planet of the solar system that will come too close to Earth in May 2003.
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"Don't get me wrong-logic and reason have their place," Lieder said. "But Paulo fails to recognize the danger of going too far with medical common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field Above: The tragically skeptical Freire. realignment." Lieder said she has tried repeatedly to pull Freire back from the precipice of lucidity.

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"I admit, science might be great for curing diseases, exploring space, cataloguing the natural phenomena of our world, saving endangered species, extending the human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life," Lieder said. "But at the end of the day, science has nothing to tell us about the human soul, and that's a critical thing Paulo is missing. I would hate for his soul to be lost forever because of a stubborn doubt over the actual existence and nature of that soul." Ellen Greve, better known as Jasmuheen, a Bretharianist and an astrology devotee, blamed Freire's lack of faith on an accident of birth. "Paulo can't entirely help himself, being a Scorpio," Jasmuheen said. "Scorpios are always very skeptical and destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their closed-mindedness. If you try to introduce Paulo to anything even remotely made-up, he starts going off about 'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor man were open-minded enough to stop attacking everything with his brain and just once look into his heart, he'd find all the proof he needed. But, sadly, he's unable to let even a little bit of imagination drive his core beliefs." Perhaps the person who pities Freire most is Tom Cruise, a member of the Church of Scientology. "It's bad enough when someone has the ignorance to reject Dianetics in spite of its tremendous popularity," Cruise said. "But Paulo isn't even willing to try a free introductory course. Scientology has the potential to free humanity from the crippling yoke of common sense,


unshackling billions from the chains of century after century of scientific precedent, and yet he still won't give it a try." "I realize that Paulo seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Cruise continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."

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